G.R.O.W. Into Joy
G.R.O.W. Into Joy
Much of our joy, or lack thereof, comes from being frozen on the trigger of a decision in our lives. I’m not talking about “chicken or steak” decisions, but larger decisions like where to move, a commitment to truly get healthy, a new business to start, a new job to take, etc.
This week, at our annual Halftime Institute Coaches Conference, I saw a few of our coaches have huge breakthroughs by working through big life decisions. Ah, the joy of getting unstuck!
This brought to mind a decision-making model I often use called The G.R.O.W. Model. It goes like this:
Goal: What is your goal? I encourage you to examine not just what the goal is, but why you are contemplating it. Don’t rush this “why” step. Lots of pain and frustration stem from pursuing the wrong goals. Let’s consider, as an example, the idea of someone trying to decide if they should really, truly work on their health. Not a diet. Not a 30-day workout plan. What’s the why behind it all? Is this goal good for your family? Is it consistent with the teachings of Jesus? Does it put you in a position to be more loving? Is it rooted in fear or pride? Run your thinking by a few trusted friends before you launch into your plan.
Reality: What’s are the hard facts of your current reality? Get very clear on where you are today relative to this goal. Being naïve about the financial, relational, and emotional elements of your today could make your tomorrow nothing but a pipe dream. Don’t let the gaps between your ideal and your real depress you. But at the same time, don’t let blind spots about the gaps sink you. Consider our health example here: Where are you with your eating, exercise, sleep, stress levels?
Options: Brainstorm all the options you have for moving forward. Get creative here. Write them down. Don’t just think of them in your head. One place where I often see people get stuck comes from thinking in binary ways. They make their decisions unnecessarily “all or nothing-based.” For instance, instead of saying “How do I get from A to Z?” create options for testing “A to B in the direction of Z.” (For instance, instead of saying “I will eat nothing but organic the rest of my life”, shoot for eating organic every meal at home.) Or, “How can I test out Z before making a full commitment to it?” Push yourself in this step to come up with lots of options.
Obstacles: Next, take a sober look at the obstacles in the way of each option. Many people are good at the practical obstacles like time, money, a resistant friend/spouse/co-worker, geography, etc., but I encourage you to also analyze the psychological and emotional obstacles. These are the ones that could really hold you back. Analyze the fears buried within the decision you are trying to make. What are the psychological barriers that have prevented you thus far and how will you get over them this time?
What. When. Who. Next, lay out specifically what you are going to do by when and who can help you. Don’t forget the who. Going it alone increases your odds of failure.
Lastly, know that on the path way to realizing your goals, we often know just the next step. Don’t burn too many calories trying to guess what specifically you should do eleven steps down the road when you’re only on step two.
Dream. Think. G.R.O.W.
Forgiveness and Joy
For years I’ve heard people talk about the need to “love yourself” before you can love others. I’ve struggled with that because it seems like a lot of the world’s woes are linked to people who love themselves too much – too much selfishness, too much pride, too much egoism, too much greed.
The fact is, those attitudes don’t stem from too much self-love. They are actually manifestations of guilt, shame, regret, fear, and low self-esteem.
I’ve come to see that healthy self-love is critical to our souls, our communities, and our planet. The concept of forgiveness is one practical way to start loving ourselves. As I see it, there are at least four dimensions to forgiveness.
1. Forgive yourself: When I think of the bonehead moves I have made over the years it makes me cringe. I’ve been mean, petty, dishonest, and selfish. But what’s done is done and I can’t change the past. The Jeff Spadafora of back then was operating out of a different worldview. Wishing things were different is a waste of time and emotional energy.
2. Ask God’s Forgiveness: Deep in my heart I have acknowledged to God that my past was not consistent with the flow of love that He is trying to spread through the model of Jesus and the presence of his Spirit. I’ve sincerely apologized for going against that flow and I don’t keep going over that territory again and again. Of course, I confess and repent for the new daily sins I commit, and then rejoice knowing God’s pleased that I am growing in love.
3. Forgive Others: This could be the trickiest dimension of forgiveness. I have heard peoples’ stories and am shocked at the abuse and betrayal they have suffered. I honestly don’t know if I could bring myself to forgive in those circumstances. For many people who are able to forgive, they say it’s one of the clearest signs of God’s strength because they could never have done it under their own human strength. Forgiving others is also one of the best forms of loving ourselves: I’ve heard it said, “Unforgiveness is like drinking poison expecting the other person to die.”
4. Ask for forgiveness: Alcoholics Anonymous is famous for encouraging its members to reach out to anyone they may have hurt and apologizing. Asking for forgiveness has the potential to bless others and free us. Not everyone will accept of our apologies, but that doesn’t matter. We need to do our part. We can’t control how people will respond and trying to will drive us crazy.
So, if you want to love yourself more -- and ensure that an “unforgiveness issue” doesn’t steal your joy this holiday season -- act on these forgiveness principles.
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How joyful is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered!
How joyful is the man the Lord does not charge with sin and in whose spirit is no deceit! (Psalm 32:1-2)
Get Energized
In my line of work, I come across people who are bored, stressed out, or tired of their status quo. The worry, routine and fixation on pursuing the American Dream just isn’t worth it any more. They’ve come to realize that life is more than comfort, entertainment, the next gadget, the next vacation, the next promotion, or the next deal. Those things certainly aren’t bad— they’re just not as fulfilling for them as they used to be.
If any of this rings true for you, keep reading. If not, stop now. Seriously. This article will make you mad. It’ll make you feel guilty. I'll come across as chastising you. Or worse, as holier than thou.
However, if you're in the camp of seeking something exciting, energizing, and risky… to be a part of something great and noble... to REALLY live... to make a lasting difference, I am going to recommend the counter-intuitive approach of focusing on others and their needs instead of yours. Yeah, I know. Seems backwards, doesn't it?
I had a Triple Whammy hit me this week that has me writing on this topic: On Monday, I watched "Blood Diamond" with Leonardo DiCaprio. (Gut-wrenching.) On Thanksgiving, my family and I cooked and served Thanksgiving dinner for ~150 homeless people in downtown Denver. (Heart-breaking.) On Friday, I watched the documentary Human Flow. Www.humanflow.com (Mind blowing). The combination of the three shook me up.
I was reminded of the bumper sticker "If you're not completely appalled, you're not paying attention."
My understanding of human nature is that trying to guilt people into self-sacrificial compassion never works. Preaching about Christ's concern for the poor, sick, hungry, widows, orphans, and imprisoned won’t do it either. The only way I know that works is to expose people to what’s happening in the world beyond our bubbles, ESPN, Wall Street and network TV.
Most people aren’t hard hearted. (Some are, of course. They’re selfish, entitled, angry, greedy, and lazy.) Most are just insulated. Or paralyzed. I encourage you to resist the temptation to do nothing because you can't solve the problem.
Perhaps more important than solving the problem is to simply provide compassion for the people trapped in the problem. Mother Theresa said "We are called to serve, not succeed."
I'm not going to end this with simple ideas for pitching in. I'm not going to end this with shocking statistics about homelessness, the refugee crisis, or human trafficking.
I'm simply going to suggest that if you're in a funk in life and trying to figure out how to come fully alive at last, take the counter-intuitive approach: explore the breadth of what’s going on in the world through movies, documentaries, volunteering and reading. Let your heart break. Find a cause you can’t NOT get involved in. Once that happens, you’ll know it and you'll know what to do next. You'll be amazed at how being selfless can be wonderfully self-serving.
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"If you want to really live, die to yourself." Jesus the Christ. (Luke 9:24-25 PARA)
What a Deal!
As I write this, I'm on a plane to Ecuador with my wife Michelle to visit our daughter Denika and her new hubby Avery. I won't have internet connection for 6-7 days so I'm jamming out this blog quickly.
The big news this week comes from my publisher, Thomas Nelson. Not only did they decide to do a reprint of The Joy Model (it came out in paperback last month), they have translated the book into Afrikaans! Who knew the South Africans needed joy as much as we do?
Also, they have put the ebook version on sale for $2.99 from December 1-31 on Amazon and Barnes and Noble. How great is that!?
You may not know this, but you can buy an ebook as a gift if you have the recipient's email address. What better gift for the season of peace and joy! (How cheesy did that last sentence sound? Hah!)
Lastly, if you're a fan of real paper and ink, I'm offering the print version through Dec 31 at 20% off. That's comes out to $9.96 ---- well below Amazon and Barnes and Noble's price. Just click here to purchase.
Have a great week coming up. If you don't hear from me next Sunday, don't panic-- we may still be out in the wilderness of Ecuador with no internet or cell.
Five Things I Learned at 19,347 Feet
On Wednesday, I made a successful attempt to climb Cotopaxi - a snow covered, active volcano in the Andes mountain range of Ecuador. It was the most difficult thing I have ever attempted in my life.
I learned five really valuable lessons I'll never forget. I hope they help you.
1. Seize The Moment - I went to Ecuador with my wife to visit my daughter and her new husband with no intention of climbing a mountain. Cotopaxi had been closed by the government for 2 years due to volcanic activity and had just re-opened October 4. My daughter and her husband climbed it the week prior (Beasts!) and said "Dad, you're here. There is a window of opportunity to climb. You can do it. If you're successful, it'll be one of the highlights of your life. You have to go for it." After staring at this intimadating behemoth 18 miles from my hotel window for 3 days, I finally decided to go for it and am so glad I did. Little decisons are easy. All big decisions require risk, trade offs and faith.
2. Stay in Shape - The ascent requires hiking to a base camp on Day 1 and sleeping at 15,577 feet. On Day 2, you start climbing at midnight with the goal of summitting at 6 a.m. That level of physical exertion would be crazy at sea level, but the effects of oxygen deprivation on my leg strength and lung capacity shocked me. 5 of the 9 people who attempted to summit that day (I was the oldest at 53 - the next youngest was 44) made it. There is no way I could have done it if I wasn't disciplined about working out 4-5 times every week. You may say that you have no intention of climbing a big mountain, but a friend of mine whose 20 year old son became a quadrapelegic told me he was so glad he had stayed in shape all these years so that he had the physical strength to care for his son. We can't be at our best to love and serve others if we aren't consistently taking care of our temples. (Shout out to my wife Michelle for spurring me on daily. www.faithfulworkouts.com)
3. Get A Guide - There is no way I could have done this without a guide. They provided the gear, the food and hydration, the training, how to use crampons, how to dress properly, how to use an icepick as a walking stick and for self-arresting a fall, and, of course, he guided my way. Life is too short to be bumbling around making rookie mistakes. Get wisdom no matter what endeavor you're embarking on.
4. Don't waste time worrying about the past - The night before we made the inital ascent, I got very little sleep. I woke up at 1:30 a.m. with what I believed was a God-inspired idea (a topic for a later blog) and couldn't get back to sleep. Then, I got no sleep at base camp (due to the elevation and excitement/fear). When we started our final ascent, I found myself worried about being sleep deprived two nights in a row and how it would effect my stamina. This bothered me for the first 45 minutes until I realized I just needed to forget about it, climb on, and see what happens. Worry, distraction, regret, and preoccupation with the past is useless.
5. Be a Savvy Friend, Parent, Spouse, co-Worker - I was amazed at and grateful for how intuitive my guide (Jorge) was at knowing when to push me and when to back off. The last hour of my climb I was literally stopping and gasping for air every 10 steps. Jorge could sense when I had rested enough and he would tell me so or give just the slightest tug on the rope that tethered us. When I reached the top, I was spent and my legs were just rubber. I stopped and sat down often on the descent. I could tell Jorge had my best interests at heart by the way he would push me one moment and then gave me grace and space moments later. I want to be a friend/parent/spouse/co-worker and coach who has that kind of loving intuition for helping others achieve their goals.
Which of these nuggets of wisdom can you start putting to use in your life right now?
What We All Crave
Michelle and I spent 7 days at a hostel in Ecuador two weeks ago www.secretgardencotopaxi.com and I got a powerful peek into a craving of the human heart that is common to all people.
My daughter and her husband were working at this hostel guiding hikes and mountain bike trips for travelers --- mostly in their 20’s -- from all over the world.
The conversations we had with these young people out on the trail and in nature about their lives were inspiring. Back in the lodge nightly, all the guests (~35 of us) would eat together and then hang out playing cards, drinking beer, and talking about life. (There was zero internet or cell service. It’s amazing how social people are when there is no social media!)
These young adults came from all walks of life and most of them told us they were on soul-searching travel-quests they hoped would lead them toward clarity about the meaning of life, renewed purpose and greater joy.
There was the young electrician and his wife from Canada who became disillusioned with life, sold all they had, and committed to a year of travelling to find themselves.
A 30-year lab technician from Chile who had been travelling solo for 400 days to escape her windowless work environment.
A talented journalist from Spain who quit her job due to frustration with a senior editor who feared offending the publication’s advertisers.
There is the argument that these folks need to grow up, stop living in La La Land and get on with being adults. At the same time, why smother dreams? Why settle for meaningless work? Frankly, my heart bled for them. They were good-hearted people just trying to figure out life.
What really broke my heart is that none of them had any process for defining what they want out of life. I enjoyed walking them through the life purpose models and concepts we use at the Halftime Institute and that I write about in The Joy Model. There really is a process to discern how to align your unique skills with your deepest passions and joyfully go about making a positive difference in the world.
I also enjoyed sharing that it is my personal and professional experience that none of our DOING can ever compare to the awesomeness of BEING in communion with God. Not a single one of these people had really given God a serious thought. They had no axe to grind with Him. They just thought the whole spiritual topic was irrelevant. My strategy was not to teach or preach, but to ask questions to intrigue them enough to do their own research about God and Jesus. I hope it worked!
How are you doing in the DOING and BEING categories these days?
Who can you encourage to research the truth about God and Jesus?
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“If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.” C.S. Lewis
A Tale of Two Souls
One of my favorite things about being a life/spiritual growth coach is that I get a raw and unfiltered look at the practical, psychological and spiritual condition of peoples' lives. This Friday gave me an amazing "compare and contrast" opportunity with 2 men: one of whom I met with for breakfast and the other just a couple of hours later.
The breakfast guy is 46 and he told me he was coming off the best year in his life. I asked him why this was and he said that in late 2016 he committed himself to three simple daily disciplines that he would engage in no matter what was going on in his life:
He would read the bible every single day first thing in the morning no matter what
He would journal every single day no matter what
He would "say yes to any promptings" that surfaced from these 2 disciplines. (Not promptings on big crazy decisions, but promptings on things to do relative to work, relationships, health, parenting, and finances.)
He said that he has never felt more grounded, focused, and at peace in his life. He saw more miraculous movements of God in one year than in any year previously.
The man I met with right after that told me that he has been reeling for four years because of a few bad business decisions. He's been scrambling frantically to recover and build his nest egg back up so he can finally retire and go live the life he really dreams of. (BTW - He makes way more money than the breakfast guy.) He confessed that God seemed distant, he hasn't been consistently in the Word, and work was a grind. (I had a pastor once tell me "If you're feeling distant from God, guess who moved.")
The difference in the level of peace and joy that I witnessed in the span of just a few hours was the best blessing of the week for me. As I often say, most of the keys to an awesome life come not from new information, but from new reminders.
Here are 3 reminders for you today:
1. There are two realities in the world: The Hollywood/Madison Ave/Wall Street Reality and The Kingdom of God Reality. The one you choose to believe in will make all the difference.
2. You can't trust and obey the Kingdom of God Reality if you don't know the rules of the game. The gift of eternal salvation and a life of love and fearlessness right now is available to all of us. But like a gift under the Christmas tree, you have to get up, unwrap it, read the instructional manual and act: Read/listen to the bible. Listen to great sermons. Listen to worship music (I love Third Day!) Read/listen to great Christian books. Manage your thought life with diligence!
3. Obedience ALWAYS precedes blessing. God has arranged the world to work in a certain way. There are ways of Being (i.e, understanding God, relating to God, managing the posture of our hearts, perceiving the world through a Kingdom lens) and ways of DOING (managing our time, talent, treasure, temple and tribe) that lead to blessing. As you learn about the rules of the Kingdom of God Reality, live by them. Simple as that.
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"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God." Romans 12:2
The Best Movie Line
Michelle and I watched a movie -- "The Lost City of Z" -- the other night. It had a one liner I thought was wonderful and hugely appropriate for those of us setting New Years goals.
It's a true story circa 1915 of English explorer Percy Fawcett who was convinced of an ancient lost city deep in the Amazon. Each highly-publicized, death-defying expedition he made to find the city resulted in failure... and an increase in his obsession to prove his theory -- and himself-- worthy. You see, Fawcett had a chip on his shoulder: Despite being a brilliant military leader, a renowned horseman, and an unparalleled marksman, he was consistently passed over for promotion due to an Irish bloodline and a father who disgraced the family with drinking and gambling.
His insatiable drive toward the goal of finding the city brought him fame and notoriety, but his repeated failures cast a shadow over his theory, his judgment, his leadership, his worth. The collateral damage to his marriage and 3 children was not lost on him, but he couldn't tame the maniacal drive to accomplish this goal.
The point in the movie that reveals (for me at least) the most poignant truth about human nature and goal setting comes when Fawcett is trying to recruit his steadfast, right hand man from past trips to go on one last trip. When his companion refuses to go, Fawcett asks: "Have you come to doubt the city's existence?" His reluctant side kick replies: "No. I have only come to doubt that it will provide the answers you seek from it."
So before you set any goals this year, check your motives. What's the real itch you are trying to scratch? Is it to be loved by others, to be respected, impress others, prove yourself, become more comfortable, ensure financial security, earn the love of God, find peace, experience fulfillment? Sometimes we unwittingly bark up the wrong tree while trying to satiate something that is unmet deep in our hearts. In other words, how sure are you that the goal you are working toward will deliver the experience you deeply crave?
I encourage you to slow down your mind, slow down your heart, slow down your body and think deeply about the real motivation you have for any particular goal. Then, go search the scriptures to see what they say about experiencing what you crave.
WARNING: Be particularly wary of religious goals (i.e., bible reading, prayer, serving the poor, church attendance, tithing, etc.) for the New Year. If those goals aren't rooted in a desire to know God better, draw peoples' attention to His greatness, and become more loving toward our fellow humans, you'll end up disillusioned and tired. But, if you focus on those outcomes, you'll get those things plus the blessing of peace, joy, and freedom as wonderful by-products.
“The Happiest I’ve Ever Been in My Life
I couldn’t believe I was hearing those words. I could imagine a comment like that coming from someone newly married or someone who’s loving a new job or someone whose kids are finally in a good place.
But this was coming from a 21 year-old quadriplegic describing his life to 70 people on the 2nd anniversary of his life-altering accident.
His name is Tom Babb. He has more courage than anyone I know. I’ve seen what raw human perseverance combined with the Holy Spirit looks like in action.
Here’s the backstory: I’ve known Tom since he was 5. He and my son, Neal, played baseball, football, and basketball together. Our families have spent many a day on the ski slopes together. Neal and Tom ran a summer basketball camp for little kids in our hometown.
Then, on Dec 27, 2015, while on Christmas break with his family in Hawaii after his first semester at Kansas University, Tom had a freak accident in the shallow water when a large wave slammed him down on the sand and severed his spinal cord. His life changed in an instant.
Here are just four of many things I’ve learned from Tom:
1. The Beauty of Expanded Vision: Tom said that he had lots of interests and activities before the accident and that the vast majority of them vanished in a moment. Overtime, he had no choice but to look elsewhere for fun, curiosity, challenge, and growth. He now paints https://www.outofhandart.com/ , has grown from an indifferent student to an excellent one, leads a club and raises money to help other disabled students, and wants to provide user experience input to technology companies to improve their products for the disabled. What are you doing to stay curious, growing and challenged these days?
2. The Beauty of Purpose: Somebody in the group asked Tom how he stays so positive and focused. He said that he has long-term goals, mid-term goals and daily goals. He loves reviewing each day to see what he’s accomplished and learned. Do you have goals you’re working toward and reviewing frequently?
3. The Beauty of Community: Tom has experienced God in a way that many of us may never be privileged to do. God is no longer a theological/theoretical concept to him. He has felt the love of God through other human being’s compassion. He also said that he has literally felt the prayers of other people. Are you in a community where your pain and brokenness is known so that you can be supported? Who are you supporting in a practical way? Who are you intentionally praying for?
4. The Beauty of Compassion: I was shocked at the stories of how Tom’s fraternity brothers have been blessed by his situation. They redesigned the fraternity house to accommodate him. They take turns getting him in and out of bed. They bathe him. Feed him. Hang out with him. One brother was so impacted that changed his major from business to physical therapy. 2-3 others have said they never realized how much enjoyment they would get by tending to his basic needs. Their compassion and joy are growing from a most unlikely source. I think this is what Jesus meant when he said “If you want to really live, die to yourself.” My friend Bob Buford calls it “Altruistic egotism.” Who are you sacrificially serving in your life?
Be inspired folks. Heed the lessons of Tom.
Longing
Up until age 40, I lived on auto-pilot. Like most Americans, my life from ages 1-22 was tightly scripted: Get an education. Be kind. Have fun. Prepare to go after the American Dream.
When I graduated from college, I launched on the journey. Along the way there was a growing gnawing sense that not all was right. There was a deeper longing for peace or joy or adventure or freedom or some mix of them all. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I certainly didn’t have a roadmap for how to satiate this dim hum of longing vibrating under my daily living.
I spent the rest of my 20’s and 30’s denying this longing with inner pep talks to keep plodding down the same path and with self-admonishments to stop the crazy talk. I’ve come to realize that this yearning was God calling to me all along.
My reluctance to involve God in the process came from a wrong-headed sense of what God wanted from me. The fun, freedom, and adventure of life with God had been warped by “religion,” the expectation to be a good little boy, and an assumption that Godly living meant boredom and less income.
At age 40, I finally mustered up the courage to lean into what it was I really, reallywanted. I fought like crazy against dream-smothering thoughts:
Sounds great, but how will you pay the bills?
Sounds great, but it’s pretty selfish.
Sounds great, but what will people think?
Sounds great, but it’s impossible.
With the help of my coaches at the Halftime Institute (I’ll be forever grateful to you, Dave Jewitt and Greg Murtha!), I started pursuing a dual path:
1. BEING: Fine-tuning my ear to God’s voice to understand His true nature better. I came to realize that the rules and teachings of Jesus were designed not to rain on my parade, but to provide the very roadmap I was missing!
2. DOING: Exploring all the things I was interested in even if they didn’t seem very “Christian” or self-sacrificial or God-honoring. I read about and engaged in topics and hobbies I was curious about: sports, outdoor adventure, personal growth and transformation, psychology.
And then God delivered The Gift: I found a way to do the things I enjoy in a way that brings joy to others as well. It was the ultimate win-win. God gets all the glory!
What can you do to grow in your knowledge of God and start pursuing things you’ve always been interested in, but too busy to go after? If you want some structure to do this, The Joy Model will give you a simple pathway.
Tossing Up a Hail Mary
I don't pray all that well. And certainly not often enough. Most of my prayers are requests for me or for someone else or for some thing. Of course, there are worse things to focus my mind on, but I don't spend enough time just being with God. I won't bore you with my lame excuses.
Don't get me wrong -- I believe in the power of asking God for things and for things to happen. In just the last 7 days, I've seen prayers answered in my family and at the Halftime Institute that are unmistakably movements of God's spirit and power. I've been around the block enough to know the difference between coincidence and God deciding that a certain petition is within His will and therefore He grants it.
But I'm talking about a different kind of prayer. A type and quality and essence of prayer that I think pleases God and certainly pleases me when I have brief moments "in the zone."
Let me close this blog by quoting Henri Nouwen who best describes what I can't articlulate about this type of prayer. Enjoy.
"Why should I spend an hour in prayer when I do nothing during that time but think of people I am angry with, people who are angry with me, books I should read and books I should write, and thousands of other silly things things that happen to grab my mind for a moment?
The answer is: because God is greater than my mind and my heart, and what is really happening in the house of prayer is not measurable in terms of human success and failure.
What I must do first of all is be faithful. If I believe that the first commandment is to love God with my whole heart, mind, and soul, then I should at least be able to spend one hour a day with nobody else but God. The question as to whether it is helpful, useful, practical or fruitful is completely irrelevant, since the only reason to love is love itself. Everything else is secondary.
The remarkable thing, however, is that sitting in the presence of God for one hour each morning -- day after day, week after week, month after month -- in total confusion and with myriad distractions radically changes my life. God, who loves me so much that He sent his only son not to condemn me but to save me, does not leave me waiting in the dark too long. I might think that each hour is useless, but after thirty, sixty, or ninety such useless hours, I gradually realize I was not as alone as I thought; a very small, gentle voice has been speaking to me far beyond my noisy place. So: Be confident and trust in the Lord."
Henri Nouwen, The Road to Daybreak
Discernment, Discipline, and the Art of Getting Things Done
I’ve been working on a big decision for about 5 weeks. It’s given me a renewed perspective on the medicine I’ve been doling out to my Halftime clients for some time now.
The good news is that the remedy is working again. (It’s the same process I’ve used on 4-5 other big decisions in the last decade of my life.) And I’m convinced the process works regardless of the nature of the decision and/or growth area: professional, relational, marital, financial, spiritual, etc.
In general, there are two ways in which I have seen people process through big decisions and goals. In one camp are the folks who latch onto an idea, put their nose to the grindstone, and never stop to confer with others or with God. They know how to execute and they go for it. Unfortunately, sometimes those plans are purely theirs and not God-breathed. “In their hearts humans plan their course, but the LORD establishes their steps.” Proverbs 16:9
In the other camp are the folks who have substituted action with spiritual-sounding language like “waiting on the Lord,” “praying through a decision,” “letting the spirit guide me,” “making sure I’m not getting too far ahead of God” and “holding onto my agenda loosely.”
I completely get all that, but I firmly believe proactivity, discipline and creativity can comfortably exist in parallel to letting the Spirit guide us. “For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7
The key is balancing Discernment and Discipline over a prolonged period of time to make headway on big decisions and complex goals. At the Halftime Institute, we use a concept -- that I am employing now with my decision – called Pray/Act/Adjust. Picture it as a repeating cycle where you:
PRAY: Settle down your heart and ask the Spirit to help your mind and “gut” come to some conviction about what to do next. Note: The “what to do next” may not be some big honking YES or NO. Ask others to pray, too, and share what they are sensing with you.
ACT: Make the next step focused, practical and doable. It might be researching something further. Conferring with a few other people. Test driving the idea. Then, go do it. Stick with it. Follow through on the commitment to take the next step(s).
ADJUST: Now step back and assess what you learned about yourself and your decision/goal. Then, PRAY, ACT, and ADJUST again and again.
Break those big decisions and dreams down into smaller chunks with a balanced, spirit-driven, disciplined approach and over time the answers will be revealed.
Loud and Clear: 4 Things I l Learned While on Sabbatical
I just finished up my first-ever sabbatical – 33 days of slowing down marked by intentional reading, studying, praying, and journaling. You may be thinking: “I’d rather have my toenails pulled out than do that!” but I loved it. Here’s what I learned:
1. If you are not journaling, I recommend you start immediately. I was encouraged to start journaling in 2003. On my sabbatical, I reviewed 15 years of dreams, hopes, ideas, fears, prayers, and blessings. I read about miracles and re-celebrated them. I read about things God said to me that I am still in disobedience on. The power of journaling is not necessarily what you write today: It’s reading what you wrote today later in life and getting strong guidance about what to do moving forward.
2. There is no substitute for the bible. I read and researched and studied the bible intensely. 95% of my attention was on the Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. I was desperate to get reacquainted with exactly what Jesus was up to, why he was doing it, how he did it. I had some massive revelations about Christ’s number one strategy for advancing the Kingdom of God: life-on-life discipleship.
3. Think your confusion out loud. I’ve learned over the years of coaching people that speaking what you’re thinking is a valuable way to make progress. When we only think, we tend to go in circles. When we speak, we are forced to move linearly toward clarity. If you are on the listening side of this exchange, please give someone the blessing to “talk nonsense” and dream big. My awesome wife, Michelle, was so patient with my gobbledygook… and it has ultimately led us to some wonderful conclusions.
4. The still small voice picks up a megaphone when we slow down. When I left for sabbatical, my goal was to simply refresh and re-attach to The Vine. When I finished, the Holy Spirit was yelling that I needed to take bold action on how I leverage my time and talent. Consequently, I am going “part time with Halftime” (the organization I have been with for 12 years.) Starting June 1, I will focus 4+ days a week building a spiritual growth/life purpose program based on The Joy Model for Colorado men. I’ll have one program for leaders and another for emerging leaders. More to come on this later.
My conviction about this direction is strong, but you don’t have to take 33 days off to have a breakthrough. I believe you can accomplish the same thing by dedicating one or two hours a day to slowing down, reading scripture, praying about your big questions in life, journaling what you’re thinking and hearing in return, and being coached by someone who can listen without a hidden agenda for you.
Cheering you on!
The Simple Secret to Peace of Mind
I spent 72 hours this week at a Jesuit retreat center in Colorado reading, praying, journaling and riding my mountain bike throughout the hills in the area.
I’ve come to appreciate the Jesuit perspective on Jesus as observed by St. Ignatius of Loyola – a Spanish aristocrat and military leader who had a midlife spiritual awakening.
Many people think the message of Jesus is “You’re a sinner and you’re going to hell if you stay on that path.” Ignatius searched the scriptures, his own heart, and the heart of God, and hears a different tone in Christ’s message: “You’re thinking and acting in a way that is causing you to create your own living hell, and if you keep it up, you’re going end up separating yourself from my love forever. Let me show you another way to think and live.”
Ignatius developed a series of exercises, reflections, and guided scripture readings that helps us define what we truly desire. Most of us desire health, financial security, people to love, people who love us in return, comfort, fun, meaningful work, a nice house and car, etc. But if we peel things back further, we recognize that what we really want is the peace and joy we hope these things will give us.
Our yearning is holy, but our hope is actually misplaced.
This brings up the frequently misunderstood Christian concept of surrender. Most people think Christian surrendering is about giving up all the fun and cool stuff in our lives and start living a monk’s life.
That’s not what Jesus had in mind. He’s NOT trying to rain on your parade. He’s fine with us having fun and cool stuff. He’s simply suggesting we surrender our emotional attachment to those things because they’ll never be enough. They provide just a foretaste of what he knows we really crave.
Here’s a metaphor that might help: Imagine you’re drowning. You’re losing strength and going down for a second time when it dawns on you: You’re wearing 40 pound backpack full of your life’s “trophies”, 20 pounds of gold, and the boastful pride you take in your looks, resume, house, car, etc. As you go down for the third time, you wouldn’t see letting go of the backpack as surrender, per se. You would see surrendering the backpack as life giving.
Here’s the point: God wants for you what you want for you. He’s not demanding we become good little obedient, suffering boys and girls. Joy and peace come from removing our attachment to anything or anyone that hinders our ability to receive His love and pass it on to others. Period. It’s that simple and true and profound.
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Do you truly believe that God’s love and loving others is the key to peace and joy or is it still just theory and theology to you? What do you need to do to grasp this as reality?
Five Simple Leadership Attitudes
I’ve been thinking a lot about leadership this week. And the more I think about what kind of people get things accomplished in a way that builds up the hearts and minds of those around them, I see attitude as a core component.
Here are 5 attitudes that I think are essential for getting things done the right way. They're not rooted in thorough research. They are just based on my own personal experience (both successes and failures) as a leader in collegiate sports, business, church, education, and in the non-profit world. It’s also based on watching and working for a variety leaders during my 53 years on this planet.
Be all in – If you’re not completely fired up about the cause or objective that you are a part of, leave. Lukewarm leadership and half-hearted effort are toxic. I’ve seen many people claim “responsibility” and “loyalty” as reasons for sticking around, but if you’re not sold out for the cause, the most irresponsible and disloyal thing you can do is to stick around and hinder the cause because you’re faking it. You’re not fooling anyone.
Leader from anywhere – If you’re “all in” for the cause, you won’t let your title, position or role hold you back from leading. I’ve seen people two rungs down from the CEO lead teams and companies in the right direction --- despite poor leadership from the top.
Go first – You can’t take people where you haven’t gone yourself. Whatever work ethic you want from others (e.g., dedication, integrity, hard work, respect, patience, balance, compassion, creativity, team work, humility, etc.) must be evident to all in your own behavior. People can smell a fake from miles away.
Stay humble - Nobody likes a know-it-all. Challenge your assumptions. Get input. Admit fears, doubts and failures. No one is as smart as everyone. Humility isn’t showing weakness or a chink in your armor. It’s the pathway to creativity, buy-in, earning trust, building loyalty, gathering the truth, and getting things done.
Stay Balanced – I don’t mean balance in the sense of how you manage your work/life balance. I mean truly balanced in your heart and perspective. There’s more to life than success, performance and efficiency. Your co-workers, suppliers, and clients are human beings made in the image of God who deserve the same respect and grace you want. Don’t treat people fairly because you think it will lead to better loyalty and productivity. That’s called manipulation. Treat them fairly because they deserve it.
“So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets.” Jesus the Christ.
The Beauty of Failure
Ouch. I co-facilitated a half-day workshop this week that was a dud. Not a catastrophe, but certainly not a Top 10 Performance. Here are four things I learned.
Some background first: We were invited to lead a workshop on how to clarify God’s purpose and calling for a group of Christian CEO’s and entrepreneurs. I’ve been in these venues 50-60 times before in my life. But this crowd was unique in that I have never met a group with such a high percentage of people so confident in their callings.
The result was that every teaching point and exercise was met with “ho-hum”, “been-there-done-that”, “no duh” and “tell-me-something-I-don’t-already-know” types of reactions. I walked out dejected.
Here’s what I learned about failure and how it’s good for the soul:
Failure makes you rethink your heart: Was I too much on auto-pilot and not sensitive to adjusting to their needs? Was I trying to change people instead of helping them? How has this setback impacted my view of myself, my worth, my work? Working with successful people in their 40’s and 50’s for a dozen years has revealed that many of them haven’t failed in a while. And when they do, it’s so painful that some stop risking and go back to the sub-optimized life of status quo and comfort zones. I hope I don’t go that route.
Failure makes you rethink your approach: A little shakeup like this has me wondering if I should change my approach. I certainly don’t want to over-react when the process we used usually serves us well, but it’s never a bad thing to test assumptions. Am I getting too “teachy” or too sloppy? If I were to completely redesign things, what might that look like?
Failure makes you rethink who is in control: The founder of the Halftime Institute(Bob Buford) taught me that ministry is different from business: Business is measured in profits. Ministry is measured in improved lives. And only the Holy Spirit can really change a heart and a life. My job is to creatively point people toward Jesus and the Kingdom of God. The rest is up to God.
Control is an illusion. Effort, creativity, and prayerfulness are completely in our control. Results are not. Thinking otherwise will drive you crazy.
Failure makes me rethink the big picture: This incident is a blip on the radar. Overall, it’s not that big of a deal. I have my health, a wife whom I love and loves me back, three wonderful kids, a handful of co-workers and friends I enjoy, I’ve never had to skip a meal and I have a roof over my head. It’s all good.
The Power of a Tribe
The Power of A Tribe
In my book, The Joy Model, I talk about how our “tribe” (family, friends, co-workers, neighbors, etc.) fit into the notion of living with greater joy. Over the last three days, I witnessed the power and joy that comes from being a part of a close group of friends who want the best for each other, have no desire to steer one another in a certain direction, and are in it together for the long haul.
In this case, I was with 8 men going through the Halftime Fellows Program trying to discover and engage in God’s calling for their life. There are three simple things these men did for each other that provided quantum leaps in their thinking, direction and joy:
1. They encouraged each other. This may sound simple, but the encouragement went beyond how they were doing in managing their lives. The encouraged each other on their character – their being. My friend Ken Blanchard (author of the One Minute Manager) once told me he is convinced that the thing people need the most these days is more encouragement. As an aside, you don’t have to be in a life group of some sort to start encouraging others. A simple text, email, phone call or face-to-face conversation will do.
Anne Frank once said “How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world.” Amen to that.
2. They received encouragement. You may be thinking “Well, isn’t that just the flip side of point 1 above?” Yes, but here’s the subtle difference: Being an encourager is great, can be done immediately, and can bring us joy (“It is more blessed to give than receive.”), but being in an encouraging environment where you are the recipient of positive, genuine feedback is truly amazing. I saw eyes glisten frequently this weekend when deep truth about a man’s character was conveyed to them by another man.
3. They brainstormed for each other. Seth Godin wrote a wonderful book on community called “Tribes: We Need You To Lead Us.” It was geared toward marketing and building movements by engaging people in shaping pathways towards a specific goal. The subtitle of the book is what is relevant here: We need other people with different perspectives -- but shared vision -- to help us along our way. Of course, the key to getting people to brainstorm on your behalf is that you need to share what your struggling with or dreaming about and then ask for help. You have to:
a. get clear for yourself on what you need in life
b. humble yourself enough ask for help
c. clearly articulate your needs to others.
It’s amazing how huge challenges can be overcome with a simple idea from someone with a new perspective.
Find your tribe and help each other.
As Henry David Thoreau once said: “Friends cherish one another’s hopes. They are kind to one another’s dreams.”
More on the Art of Getting Things Done
Last Sunday I wrote about a simple, proven approach for making complex decisions and accomplishing big goals. I want to continue the focus on getting things donetoday because last week was full of conversations with people who are frustrated with their inability to do what they want to do.
It’s not an uncommon problem. Paraphrasing the apostle Paul: “What I want to do, I don’t do. What I don’t want to do, I do. Oh what a wretched man I am!” (Romans 7:15, 24)
What’s the secret to breaking this pattern that I’m sure we’ve all experienced?
· Get expert advice on how to make the change? That’s a must for sure.
· Put the tasks or behaviors you want to do on your calendar? Definitely a best practice, too.
· Pray for guidance and strength? Yup, that helps. (Note that Paul followed up his comment above with “Who can help me?” not “What can I do?” That who is God.)
· Get an accountability partner? Now you’re getting warmer. We can get another “who” into the mix in the form of a human being.
One of the most effective little tactics for breaking out of their failure loops is based on the traditional idea of accountability --- but with a twofold twist.
1. Team up with a person or persons to hold you accountable who have the same deep desire to make the same change as you. The key here is that you are peers in your shared objective. Typical accountability concept is to find any ‘ole person who will check up on you. This altered approach is more powerful because they want to hold themselves accountable to the same goal as you.
When we designed our Fellows Program at the Halftime Institute to leverage the power of like-minded peers, the odds of them being successful in discovering God’s calling for their life increased.
2. The other twist is upping the frequency of checking in with each other. This is a long-time best practice Alcoholics Anonymous has leveraged via daily check-ins. I’ve done this with a handful of clients lately (often the habits and changes they want to make motivate me to get my act together, too!) and it really works.
Technology is a huge help here. We send a simple text to one another to check in. It literally takes 5 seconds and is really powerful.
Based on the change/goal you are working on, this exchange could be daily, every other day, or weekly.
Last thought: Don’t go too easy on each other. If one of you keeps slipping, call the other out on it. Ask them to reaffirm if the change is something they still want --- and have them restate why it is important to them. If the change is still the right thing to do, then spur them on.
If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Ecclesiastes 4:10
Taking Time Off
After much prayer, contemplation (and 92 Sunday morning blogs!) I have decided to put my weekly, public writing on a hiatus. There are many reasons for this. Not the least of which is that I feel that the world doesn’t need more writing… it needs more reading…. and praying … and obeying.
As Brennan Manning says in his wonderful book Ruthless Trust: He realized he had enough information to last him five lifetimes. What he needed was more trust.
Another reason for taking a break is because after writing my book and blogs (and being a spiritual director and life coach for 12 years) I am convinced that the Being and Doing of the Joy Model --- and the Margin, Abiding, Self-Awareness, Treasure, Temple, Engaging in Our Calling, and Relationships dimensions of the M.A.S.T.E.R. Plan do indeed embody the fullness of our faith and the pathway to lasting joy.
In my opinion, every great concept and truth from the bible, ancient writers, and modern writers always fits somewhere into these two constructs. In other words, what else is there left to say?!
Perhaps down the road God will put something in my mind that I can’t NOT write down. That’s what happened with The Joy Model: For years people kept saying I needed to write a book, but I didn’t feel directed by God to do it. Until one day it became crystal clear that not doing it was disobedience.
My new focus now is to live life with a group of 30-40 men who live within 30 minutes of each other in a community of true authenticity, grace, comradery, accountability and service to humanity. It was Jesus’ primary strategy for bringing heaven to earth. I’m gonna that a whirl and see what happens.
Thank you all for the private and public encouragement and questions along the way.
With great joy,
Jeff Spadafora
jeff@theway2life.org
303-562-7948
What I’m Learning About Courage
Back in January I decided to choose a theme word for 2018: Something inspirational to energize me. Aspirational to stretch me. Directional to guide me.
I decided on the word “Courage.”
As a guy committed to trying to live like Christ, it turns out that courage for me today is different from how I thought about it 20 years ago. The role the Holy Spirit plays is especially interesting. (As a reminder, Christ promised the disciples to send his Spirit so every one of his followers would have their own personal Jesus living inside of them as a guide and source of power. It’s an amazing gift often overlooked in a world that has reduced Christianity to a moral code or some simplistic heaven-or-hell equation.)
Most of my opportunities to step into courage this year have come from a prompting of the Holy Spirit. For me, these promptings show up as thoughts that hit my mind out of the blue. Things like: “Go talk to that person.” “Say what’s really on your mind.” “Pray out loud with them.” “You’ve discussed God enough. Tell them about Jesus.” Stuff like that.
There are other things I have done that fall into the typical notion of courage. Like launching my own spiritual growth and life purpose coaching practice. Multiple promptings over an extended period of time led me to that decision.
So, after attempting to live in the “courage zone” for the first three months of this year, here’s what I’m learning:
1. Courage isn’t the absence of fear. It’s doing the right thing in the face of fear. (I didn’t come up with this. I heard it from someone else, but can’t remember who.)
2. Courage is less about taking crazy risks and more about being obedient.
3. Courage is remembering in the dark what God has promised in the light. (Not mine either.)
4. Courage is the discipline to work on the important when the urgent is pounding on the door.
5. Courage is asking the “dumb” question because you’d rather grow than be thought a fool.
6. Courage doesn’t guarantee everything will be alright. It guarantees you'll sleep well because you did the right thing.
Give it a try. I would love to hear what you learn.